The Ultimate Deceit
by megan lisbon
Summary: Drake and Josh share everything.But does that have to include Josh's wife,Holly?Drake and Holly are madly in love with eachother,but try to keep it a secret,so they don't hurt Josh,but will they?This is my first slash storyPlease read and review!
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note**:Hey everyone!What's up?Well,this is a new story that I literally just wrote,so I hope you enjoy it!Allright,so this story might sound confusing,but its from the point of view of Holly..Now I know what you're going to be thinking..Who is Holly?Holly is Josh's wife.I really hope you enjoy it,but if you don't,don't be cruel.That's just,well cruel..lol I'm so sorry for having to delete this story,but I had to edit it,and I couldn't otherwise..Thanks for the review!

**Chapter1**:The Beginning

With just one look into those big brown eyes,I knew I was hooked.We locked eyes,and it was an immediate attraction.A forbidden love,one to the brother of my husband, Josh Nichols.If only I had met Drake before I did Josh,maybe then I wouldn't have to pretend that every time I told Josh I loved him that I was saying it to his brother.With a sigh,I turned over to face the sleeping boob.Josh's nostrils flared,as he sucked in as much air as possible.I do love Josh,but not in the way he thought.I love him the way you would an old friend,or a sibling.With another sigh,I rolled over,and climbed out of bed.I walked to the curvy mirror,and peaked a look at the reflection.I turned on the water,cupped my hands,and splashed my face,to wake myself up.Taking a towel to dry my face,I did just that and then threw it in the rather odd-looking hamper.Josh had picked it out,which was no big suprise.He'd picked out almost everything for the house.He had said that I had expensive taste,just like his brother Drake.When we bought the house,we didn't have enough money to live an expensive and extravagant lifestyle like we did a comb through my long honey blonde hair,I was startled when the phone rang.I quickly answered it,so it wouldn't wake Josh,even though I knew it was a lost cause.Josh slept lightly,almost anything woke him up.

"Hello?",I asked into the telephone.Josh was stirring,and I watched him get to his feet.He kissed my forehead,and while I wanted to flinch,I didn't.For the fear of hurting Josh made me sad.But was my own happiness worth preserving Josh's by being unhappy?

"You have received a collect call fromDrake.Would you like to accept these charges?Say yes or no.",said an all-too framiliar telephone operator.Drake was calling collect again,probably from some random area,where he needed cash,or company.Probably both,knowing him.

"Yes.",I said.I could hear the shower running,and I knew I had at least ten minutes to talk to Drake,without Josh becoming the least bit suspicious.

"Hey sexy!I didn't know if you'd be home,or if I'd get Josh.I'm glad I got you.How are you?",asked Drake.If I was picturing it right,he was in a toll booth,in some big city.

"I'm fine.Its good to hear from you.Where are you?",I asked.Walking downstairs,to make a pot of coffee for Josh,I waited for his reply.

"I'm in San Diego.I came here to visit mom and dad,and to play a couple gigs.Can you come and get me?",asked Drake with a certain sense of adventure in his voice.

"Of course.Its an hour and fifteen minute drive to San Diego from Anaheim,but I'll be there.Where exactly are you?",I asked not really being able to predict it.His location was always so hard to predict,since he moved around so much.Sad as it is,he didn't accomplish his lifetime goal.He wasn't a star.Not even on the radio.He peaked in High School,career wise anyway.The girls still flocked after him,I guess that was just the price to pay for being a hot musician.

"Mom and Dad's.So you're coming for real?",asked Drake.He shoved another dime in the toll booth.He had to call from a toll booth,because Audrey and Walter were driving him bananas.They were saying that since he was 30,he should get a real job,and stop chasing a childish dream.

"Of course.Goodluck.",I replied,knowing from the tone in Drake's voice that he was extremely irritated with Mom and Dad.AKA:Audrey and Walter.

"Good luck with what?",asked Drake curiously.I imagine he was running a hand through his shaggy auburn hair.

"Living with Audrey and Walter.",I replied as if everyone knew it.

"Oh,yeah.You know what,Holly?You know me too well.Not a day goes by when I don't mentally kick myself for letting Josh marry you.",Drake replied.Tears in my eyes,I knew that was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to me.

"Well,I gotta go.Josh is coming.I'll call you on my cell when I'm in San Diego.",I replied,quickly wiping the tears from my eyes,so Josh wouldn't know I was crying.Drake sighed,and I heard him shift his weight from one foot to another.

"I wish you didn't have to go.Drive carefully.I love you.",replied Drake.I felt the tears in my eyes again,but managed to keep them in my eyes.

"I will.Dido.Bye.",I hung up the phone,and braced myself to be questioned by Josh.

"Who was that?",asked Josh.He was reading the newspaper at our dining room table,and he had a certain air about him that made me feel bad about being in love with his brother,and not him.I owed it to Josh to love him,the way he deserved.He'd been very good to me.

"Oh it was Drake.He wanted to know if I could come get him.It seems that Audrey and Walter are driving him crazy.He's in San Diego,and after I take a shower,I'm gonna go get him.Do you wanna come along?",I awkwardly replied.I knew he wouldn't,and that's why I asked.He had to work.He was an architect,and never missed a day of work,even when he had the flu.

"Oh,I'm sorry sweetie.I can't.But,I'll make it up to you.How about tomorrow night,you and I ,and if Drake's still in town,him too.How about we go out to eat?You can pick the place.",excitedly replied Josh.I nodded yes,like a little kid just told they could get anything in a toy store.

"Okay.Well,I'll call when I get there.So you don't worry.",I kissed his forehead."Love you,honey.",I walked upstairs,knowing Josh was satisfied.Josh once said that my charm was what got him.Not my beauty,intelligence,or anything else.When we met in college,I was attracted to him instantly.I'm a model,and I was used to only seeing athletes,or guys who weren't really interested in my mind,only my body.As valedictiorian of my senior class,I was granted a scholarship.I chose to use it at UCLA.That's where I met Josh,who was as dashing,and charming as I'd ever wanted a man to be.He was so shy towards me,that he couldn't even look me in the eyes.I broke the ice with a good conversation,about the university,and its curriculum.He was shocked to learn that I was a foster child,but genuine about it.I explained to him about my situation,and he seemed to feel bad for me.When we were engaged,he introduced me to Drake,a man that was somewhat childish,definetly a flirt,but kind.I knew from the moment I saw Drake,and our eyes locked,that my marraige to Josh wouldn't work the way I'd hoped.I wanted to call off the marraige,but Drake convinced me that the best thing for me to do,would be to go through with it.He said it would only hurt Josh if he knew we wanted to be together.Like a fool,I went along with it,and now I'm stuck in this predicament.

I took the straightener from its spot,and turned it on.While I waited for it to heat up,I went to pick out an outfit.Drake had always loved my long legs,so I picked out a pair of short-shorts.They were blue jeans,so really any shirt I picked would match.I picked a lime green halter top,with brown wedges.At 5 feet 7,I really didn't need to feel taller,but I loved it.The two hair ties,to braid my hair,black eyeliner to line my eyes,mascara to make my full and long lashes show more,and white eyeshadow.This concoction would show good.I loved using white eyeshadow,because it looked smashing on my tan skin.When I was done,I went down to say goodbye to my husband.

"I'm going honey.Love you.",I gave Josh a hug and kiss,and after I heard him say love you too,I evacuated the premises.

_**So how do you like it?Do you think its good??I hope you do,but if you don't,it won't kill me...lol,please review.**_


	2. Chapter 2:Listen To Your Heart

**Author's Note**:How are you guys liking this story so far?I know that its been a long time since I've updated this story,and I'm really sorry about that.Thank you so much.I know that it might seem a little out of character in the first chapter,but I'm trying really hard to bring that Drake and Josh funny into this story.So, basically what I'm trying to do with this chapter is show that Drake still does get himself in to predicaments...And that no one's perfect.I re-wrote this like 10 different times, that's why it took so long to finally be posted.Here it is!

**Chapter 2:Listen To Your Heart**

Driving all the way to San Diego was always boring,and excruciatingly long and terribly lonely.The drive back,always seemed to fly by,and was always a blast.Maybe that was because I wasn't alone,and I was with Drake.I could tell by the sound in Drake's voice,that he was excited to know that I was coming to pick him up.Something told me that it wasn't just because I was getting him out of the temperary hell that he was in,staying with Audrey and Walter.I knew he wanted to see me,if not for romantic reasons,then he wanted someone to build him up again.There were many times when even I didn't recognize the voice on the other line as being Drake's.Sometimes he was so bummed out about being unsuccessfull in all his attempts to make it big time,that I thought perhaps he was on the vurge of suicide.All he ever really wanted was to entertain,and when they wouldn't let him,he,yes Drake Parker,the guy who could pretty much intimidate any guy with a girlfriend,felt insecure.He saw the success of his brother,as a smash to him.Josh had always been successfull academically in school,whether it be High School,or College.But,I don't need to tell you that.Another thing that I suppose got Drake upset was that Josh,the clumsy,goofy,self-proclaimed "science nerd" had a model for a wife,and even at the age of 30 had never had a serious relationship.Many times I had told Drake that it wasn't worth his pain to stay single for me.I was married to Josh,however un-happilly it was,it was a commitment that by law I was morally obligated to uphold.But,Drake was so stubborn that it wasn't worth me telling him what to do,because he would just do the exact opposite.Ugh,I guess it just goes to show that you can't help someone that doesn't ask for your help.Sighing,I turned on the radio.It was an old classic song,one from the years of my teen-hood.D.H.T.'s _Listen To Your Heart_.Wow,if that wasn't a sign of something,I don't know what a sign is.I don't really know what the next songs were,because after that song came on,I became absorbed in my thoughts_.**What was I going to do about Drake and me?I couldn't keep doing this,no I couldn't keep having an affair with my husband's brother.How could I do such a thing?I must've been some kind of a fool for letting myself fall in love with him.Especially when I was supposed to be in love with Josh!**_

Eventually,I arrived at the Parker-Nichols residence.Even though the "real" Parkers didn't live there anymore,as Megan had moved out years previous,and visited only when she had a chance with her hectic schedule.I knew Audrey and Walter didn't hold it against her.She was a veteranarian,and mother of two.The real reason it was known as the Parker-Nichols home,was because Audrey never gave up on the Parker side of herself.She went along writing checks,calling herself,and responding to Audrey Parker-Nichols.The woman with a dead-beat dad's last name,and with a kind,warm,gentle,and soft-tempered current husband's name.When I parked the car, and walked onto the porch of the famous house, I couldn't help but feel like I was being watched.The feeling of being watched is such a strange feeling that it almost makes you want to run and hide,like a scared little girl. I shook my feelings of paranoia off, as just that. A feeling, and since I couldn't prove that I was being watched, I let it go, but not entirely.I knocked on the door, and after three knocks, Drake came to the door, in shorts and a t-shirt, with flipflops on. I could smell cookies baking, and could hear Audrey and Walter talking.

"Hey Holly. Thanks for coming. Come on in. I gotta go get my stuff.", Drake said,letting me in. Audrey and Walter stopped talking about whatever it was that they were talking about previously, and turned all their attention to me.Audrey was the first to approach me.

"Hey sweetie. How are you?Wow, you look prettier everyday.",Audrey complimented. She gave me a hug that I couldn't refuse without coming off as a complete jerk.I smiled and patted her back.

"I'm doing great.Thanks.How are you guys doing?", I asked.Walter and Audrey smiled simotaniously.Audrey sat down next to Walter on the couch, and pointed to a chair on the side of the couch.I sat,and waited for Drake to return,and for their reply.

"We're doing great.Your father finally got the Newsie Award for favorite Weatherman Personality.",Audrey said,boasting.I smiled,and wanted to laugh.For thirty years or more,Walter had been trying to defeat Bruce Winshell and had never succeeded.

"Congratulations.How'd you finally beat him at his own game?", I asked.Walter looked at me questioningly.Like I was missing an enormous ammount of information and what I said made no sense because of it.

"Didn't you hear?Bruce Winshell died six months ago. Supposedly someone at a restaraunt gave him cow milk instead of goat milk,and he died.He was deathly allergic to regular milk.I can't believe that Josh nor Drake told you.Oh well, at least you know now.",Walter replied.**_Allergic to milk?_**I couldn't imagine anyone these days having a problem with milk, but I digress.I suppose it is possible.

"Have you heard from Megan?", I asked. Megan and I had been very close during my college years.That was when she and I lived fairly close to eachother.We used to go shopping, to concerts, parties,anything.We were like sisters.

"Yes.As a matter of fact,she told me to tell you she said hi.She's pregnant again.She's four months along.I just can't believe my baby girl is having another baby.",Audrey replied,happilly.I know that by me not having any kids made her sad.She barely ever got to see her children, or grandchildren since Megan lived in Rochester, New York.When she was a teenager, we had talked about New York.We both had always been attracted to New York.I loved the bigger cities of the world,where she liked the second-rate cities like Rochester.One thing was for sure, Megan loved where she was in life, because she barely ever visited her parents.Whenever any of us heard from her, she told us everything was working out great, and that she was extremely happy. I was happy she was happy,but sad that she couldn't find time or money to arrange a trip to San Diego to see her aging parents.

"Wow.That's good.That's really good.",I said, not knowing what to say.I took a piece of hair and started twirling it.**_Where is Drake?How long does it take for you to get your clothes,when you don't really have a lot?_**

"So how's my son doing?He's not working too much is he?It seems like all he ever does is work.",Walter said.

"He's still a work-a-holic,that's for sure.I couldn't tear him away from his work if my life depended on it.",I replied honestly.Josh and I hadn't been able to connect in quite sometime and I wondered why that was.I wasn't acting any different than what I had been for years, but it was Josh that was working extremely long hours, and disconnecting himself from myself and his family.Josh had always been so close with his family,especially Drake,and I swear he hadn't talked to Drake for about six months,when he used to talk to him more than I did!

"What a shame.So how are you Holly?Any exciting announcements?",Walter asked.I knew he was hoping that I would announce that I was pregnant,but it wouldn't be the same if I said it and I wasn't would it?

"Not really.I got signed as a Ford Model.That should be interesting.",I replied.I was really excited about getting signed as a Ford model.After years,and years of hard work as a model,it was like everything was finally falling into place and I was going to be successfull.

"Really?That's great.How did Josh take the news?",Walter asked.It was like he was the only one that asked questions pertaining to Josh.His son, his questions, I guess.

"He's really excited for me.I should probably go see what Drake is doing.I promised Josh I wouldn't be all day.He worries so much.",I replied half-lying.He did worry about me a lot,but hadn't limited me to a specific amount of time.I walked upstairs and decided that the logical place for Drake to be,would be his bedroom.I didn't bother knocking,he was_ **supposed **_to be packing.When I opened the door,I saw Drake,of course as expected.But,a girl probably like 18, who was about 4'11 with platinum blonde hair,with pink,purple,and black in the underlayers of her hair.She had tan skin,and brown eyes.In fact, she looked like a rocker chick,fresh from a night club.

"What the hell is going on in here?",I asked walking into the room.Drake,looked horrified.The girl looked like she was going to laugh hysterically.I marched myself over to the rockchick,and as much as I wanted to make her acquintated with my fist, I knew that hitting her wouldn't make it any better that Drake had _**betrayed** _me.

"Hi.I'm Holly.You are who?",I asked,in my Mean Girl tone.

"Holly,I played at a club last night.They just opened a new one here in San Diego.It's called The Apple Branch.I met Alyx there.Her band is called Unchartered Territory.I got drunk, and one thing led to another.You see the thing is, mom and dad don't know she's here.Actually they have no idea I went clubbing last night.So,could you help me get Alyx out of here before mom and dad kill me?",asked Drake in his usual, chaotic tone.

"Why should I?I already drove over an hour to get you.Then I find out that you screwed some chick, and you want me to help you conceal it.No.I don't think so.I should just let you fry.Alyx,how old are you?You look like you're 10.Maybe troubles with Audrey and Walter won't be the only problems you'll be facing.**_Bad boys,Bad boys what you gonna do?What you gonna do when they come for you?_**"I sang in a mock tone that was meant to strike fear into Drake's heart.

"Look,I don't know what the hell your problem is,but I'm 23.Obviously you're really hung up on this guy.You obviously don't mean that much to him if he screwed me last night.",Alyx replied.I imagined in my head a scene similar to the one in Mean Girls,imagined by Lindsay Lohan's character,Cady in the cafeteria.

"Oh is that right?Yeah I guess I am a little bit hung up on this guy.He's lead me on for like 11 years!Screw you,Drake.Go to hell Alyx.You can find your own damn life to ruin,because I never want to see you again."I pretty much yelled in Drake's face.I ran out of the room in tears,and ran to the bathroom for refuge.I locked the door,and sat in the bathtub in the fetal position.Rocking back and forth,I let my tears soothe my pain.How could he?I thought what we had was special.Not as average enough to be forgotten once upon a drunken night with some random chick with unnatural hair color!Maybe all the times that we'd had not so drunken nights, he was really imagining a chick like Alyx.Maybe I was just a fool.A fool for love.About half way into my self-recovery, Drake knocked on the door.

"Holly?Are you okay?It's me,Drake.Let me in,we need to talk.",he said,like he cared a damn.

"Go away,asshole.I hate you.Didn't you hear me?Go away!",I screamed.I got up and stood in front of the bathroom door.

"I know you hate me,but that doesn't mean we can't talk.Please,just let me in.",Drake replied.He was actually begging me.

"Fine.Hurry up.",I said,opening the door.Drake stepped in,and I sat in the bathtub.He sat on the toilet.I waited for him to start talking,there was no way I was going to talk nicely to a man I despised at that moment.

"Holly, I made a mistake,like every human being does.Why is it so hard for you to accept?I'm really sorry.I didn't plan on it.You know how I am when I get drunk, I get out of control and don't know what I'm doing.Will you accept my appology?",Drake asked.

"I just wanna know.How many times out of eleven years that you have made human being mistakes.Being drunk isn't an excuse.I mean,you say the wrong thing on a first date,that's a mistake.Getting drunk is a choice.Having sex with a girl is a choice.Whether you meant it or not,you did it.It still hurts,Drake.",I replied.I was on the vurge of tears,and didn't want to let them show.

"I know.Just so you know,this is the first time I've ever cheated on you.I don't know what else to say,Holly.I 'm soo sorry.I'll never do it again.I swear on my life..I never meant to hurt you.I'll do whatever I can to make sure that I never do again.",Drake replied.

"I know.I'm still hurt,but I'll get over it.You know what song I heard on the way over here?It's like a sign.I think its what I gotta do...For situations like these.",I said.

"What song?",asked Drake in a happier and lighter mood then he was in not even a minute before.

"Listen to your heart,by D.H.T.I haven't heard that song since I was a teenager.So,should we get going?",I asked.It was getting later,and I didn't want Audrey and Walter to think of me as a liar.I'd told them that Josh worried about me being out late.

"Sure.",Drake replied.

"Did you get Alyx out okay?",I asked out of the bathtub.Drake was about to open the door when he replied.

"Yeah.She climbed out the window.She told me that you and me should have eachother,and that if I really love you I should appologize and make it right before things got all screwed up and we hated eachother for some stupid mi-choice.",Drake replied.He smiled at me,and then kissed my forehead gently.

"You still love me even though Miss.23 is like ten times hotter?",I asked.

"She doesn't have anything on you,Miss Holly Ryan.One night with you is better than a million with her.One night with her couldn't even compare to one second with you.",Drake replied.He opened the door,and we walked out.After we walked out of the house,after good-byes with Audrey and Walter,once inside the car,I replied.

"Drake Parker,I love you.",before I started the car, I kissed him and didn't care who saw.Luckilly we were safe in our secret, for **_then_**.


	3. Chapter 3: TrulyMadlyDeeply

_**Chapter 3 : TrulyMadlyDeeply **_

If you put two people that are madly in love that haven't seen each other in six months, in a car you're just asking for trouble if you ask me. The sexual chemistry between Drake and I was so strong that we didn't even make it to the next town before I had to pull over. To say that we had sex in that car would be incorrect. We made love and it was special. Perhaps I'm an idiot for believing that Drake truly meant that he loved me, but I loved him- truly madly deeply.

After we made love I started driving to Anaheim again.

"Darling, do you have a nice outfit to wear like to a fancy restaurant?" I asked, still glowing.

"Yes I sure do. I had to play a wedding a while ago and needed one so I begged Audrey and Walter for money. They ponied up the dough and I bought me a suit." I couldn't help but laugh a little. Sometimes he was so irresistibly funny and charming.

"Josh said that we can go to a nice dinner tonight. He's even coming." I glanced over at Drake to see his reaction. Drake didn't like having to be only my friend and go behind Josh's back, but what he really didn't like was sharing me. Even though he didn't show it I knew he was very jealous and longed to show me that he loved me in public.

"So I've gotta play nice with Josh? I hate sharing you. Sometimes I just wish we could come out with it and tell him and get it over with. I mean for God's sake its been eleven years!" Drake pinched the bridge in his nose and closed his eyes like he had a bad headache.

"I know exactly how you feel. I live with him and the secret is terrible. I swear one of these days I'm just going to slip and he's going to find out…"

" YOU CANNOT JUST LET IT SLIP! Holly, he can't find out! You know what would happen with that- he'd be crushed. He thinks you're his true love and I-I'm his beloved brother. The Drake to his Josh, the two names pretty much have a fucking legacy behind them. Whatever we do Holly, we can NOT tell him." I gulped literally in fear. I knew that Drake's words were exactly correct and shuttered at the thought of Josh finding out. But Josh would eventually get over me and find his TRUE love, right? But I figured that it was best to keep with the plan.

I think we were both in deep thought for the rest of the ride to Anaheim because neither one of us said a word. When we drove up to my driveway, I sighed.

"I love you too much, Drake." I looked at Drake's face and I could see that he was in character, the Drake Parker nothing can phase me character.

"I love you too, Holly." I got out of the car and walked into the house. No Josh, but a note on the table (as was his custom) it read : Emergency at work- had to help. Love you very much, Josh. PS: Tell Drake I said hello and can't wait for dinner. LOVE YA BABE xoxo

"Are you serious? He sends you these kinds of things? Icky. So anyway before I throw up, where am I sleeping?" The seductiveness of his smile lured me in. Before I knew what was happening, we ended up making love on the living room floor. When he and I were putting on our clothes, something hit me. A realization that I never thought of until then. Normally I wouldn't have had sex with him without a condom! But to risk it twice in the same day, what was I thinking?

"As much as I love making love to you we really shouldn't. At least not when you don't wear a condom. Could you imagine if I got pregnant?! We can't risk it." My head was spinning and I felt like I was going to faint. I sat down on the couch slowly.

"You won't get pregnant, Holly. If you did we'd take care of it though. You know, you'd get an abortion and then…."

"I wouldn't get an abortion, Drake! You've got to understand that right now! A baby would be a curse right now but I just couldn't do that! I think abortions are okay for people that can do that but not for me! How could you kill your own child?" Drake knelt on one knee before me as I sat on the couch.

"So instead you would go through with the pregnancy and break Josh's heart? But lets not fight about this. It's not like its actually going to happen. We don't have to worry about it, next time I'll wear a condom and it'll be fine." In my head I prayed that Drake's word would come true, but in the pit of my stomach I sensed trouble brewing.

When Josh came home later on that night I was all ready to go out to dinner. I was wearing a black evening gown with no sleeves and a black shawl around me. I had my hair done up in a 50's beehive and I made myself have cat eyes. When Josh walked in the door and saw me, he walked over to me and kissed me like there was no tomorrow.

I'm sorry, you just look so beautiful" Drake stood in the kitchen/living room doorway cringing and tensing up at the sight of Josh kissing me.

"Hey JoshieKazam!" Exclaimed Drake probably trying to avoid Josh kissing me again. Josh smiled a warm, wide smile and it was like all the months of his 'depression' were forgotten.

"Drake! I didn't even see you there! Doesn't Holly look absolutely b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l?" Josh asked the question playfully, but Drake's reply was cold and short.

"Yes" Josh poked Drake in the side playfully.

" Hey you better not be messing around with my woman! I've got to go get dressed for dinner. You two wait down here, okay?"

"Why do you always have to get all dressed up and look even more gorgeous for Josh than me?" Drake whispered in my ear. I giggled a little bit and turned to look full force into his beautiful eyes.

" Because my darling, he IS technically my husband." Josh walked down the stairs looking handsome in his own right though not as gorgeous as Drake.

"Honey, your tie isn't on right." I fixed Josh's tie and I felt the tension in the room sky-rocket as Josh felt my waist.

"Still a toothpick. We should change that. I've always wanted kids you know." I closed my eyes and swallowed hard as he said that. Damn it. I racked my brain for any excuse.

" Well I know that of course. But I just got signed to Ford Models and well the whole point of being a model is to be as you say it- a toothpick. Besides we never would have time for a baby you know with your conflicting work schedule." I stood in front of Josh and watched him grin very widely. I hoped silently that my excuse wasn't easily transparent. Drake mumbled something like "yeah,right" and walked over to the window probably hoping that ADD would kick in.

" Well when your contract with Ford Models expires I'll slow down with my work and we'll make room for baby, toothpick." Josh kissed my lips while Drake stormed out to the car, slamming the door behind him.

"What the hell is his problem?" Josh asked after he was finished sucking my soul. I smiled a bit sadly and added in a nervous chuckle.

"He's very hungry and probably wants you to stop kissing me so he can eat at a nice restaurant." I kissed Josh's cheek and motioned toward the door. I walked out to Josh's car and sat in the front passenger's seat. Drake sat in the back, staring out the window opposite the house.

"Drake you have to play along better. You know the rules. He's already suspicious." I said as I looked at my reflection in the mirror. Drake's face was in the visor mirror and I saw tears in his eyes- not tears of sadness but tears of anger.

"Yeah whatever." When Josh climbed into the driver's seat, Drake's head automatically turned out the window.

"So how is life, Drake?" Poor Josh asked in a cheery voice. Drake turned to look at Josh resentfully.

" Not as good as yours, I see. I wish I could have what you do." Drake answered coldly. Josh chuckled taking all of this in good humor.

"Material possessions are not everything, Drake. You should settle down- get a girl like Holly and marry her." I sighed.

"Josh, Drake should live his life how he wants to. Besides, a girl like me would probably break his heart- or the other way around."

We arrived at the restaurant and I took both Josh and Drake's hands . We walked in like that- my guys and I. The waitress seated us at a nice table by the window and I sat down so that I could sit across from the men. I studied both faces and saw the same thing. Both looked at me like they were pleading, "Look at me- not him!" I wasn't quite sure but I think Josh could tell Drake had a 'thing' for me.

"I'm the luckiest girl in the world right now. I get to be seated at this fabulous restaurant with the two most beautiful men here." Half true- I wanted to say. Drake raised his eyebrows and bulged out his eyes. He shifted his eyes toward Josh and then looked at me again and shook his head no. I giggled and oblivious Josh stared at the menu. The dinner at the restaurant wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Drake and I got so wasted on wine and other alcoholic drinks that I don't even remember the drive home.

The very next thing I remember after that was waking up at 5:33 a.m. alone in my bedroom. I scanned the room for the usual occupant- Josh but he was nowhere to be found. In his absence was his 'excuse'.

Holly, I had to work early this morning. I won't be home for dinner - I'll be home very late- don't wait up. Josh. PS: listen to this cd I made you.

I found the cd and put it in my laptop. He was obviously trying to kill me because the song that started to play was 'Truly Madly Deeply' by Savage Garden. That song was "our song". I ran to the bathroom and threw up. I don't know if it was because of guilt or that I was ill, but I didn't feel like I had a cold…


	4. Chapter 4:Why?

**Author's Note:I'm sorry it took so long for me to update this..I've been getting ideas for other stories,and I lost creativity for this one for a while...I hope that this is ,I know there are grammar errors-I don't want to be a copy editor,so please do not tell me about that.**

So quite obviously I was not pregnant. I had never had anything like that happen to me before though,let me tell you that. I decided then and there that if I was going to have sex with Drake I had to be so careful. I couldn't get pregnant. I mean,Drake's child could not pass for Josh's,I wouldn't even let that happen.

But would I?I mean,I had already let so much happen so far. I mean,marrying the love of your life's brother is pretty much shooting yourself in the this time is when I really started to question it all. Question life, love, meaning. I could never be with Drake;we were star-crossed lovers,Romeo and Juliet had it easier than we they had to do was down some poison and stab the aorta and all their troubles were renowned and made William Shakespeare a popular fiction icon in the nineties. Marrying your lover's brother who you used to love would only get you on Jerry Springer.

So you see the a solution?

I was beginning to think there was none.

That corny commercial is true,depression hurts everyone. Not just you. It's superficial at first,you think "tomorrow will be better." But when tomorrow is only worse yet you start to question things. Things that you had never thought about are brought to the forefront and you have to confront them; you don't want to-but if you don't you'll drown. So, you have to make the choice. Sink or swim? Confrontation and Drama or Robotics and Depression?

I chose the latter for obvious reasons.

It was on April Sixteenth that I finally reached my breaking point. I was sitting in front of the mirror brushing my hair while staring absently at the reflection in front of me. It then occurred to me that I had no idea who Holly Nichols was,who she had been,why she was in front of the mirror. I snapped out of it and looked at my startled reaction in the mirror,like I'd been thrown in a tank of freezing water when I'd been accustomed to was no warmth here,there was no life.

The next thing I knew I was on my feet and pacing. My heart was beating very loudly in my ears and I couldn't breathe. I was dying,for Chrissakes! _Why was I dying? Why? I was so young! I had so much life! _I began shaking and balling my eyes out.A shaky hand wiped the tears away,and I noticed that this hand;too was foreign. _What was going on?Why did everything look as if it had changed so much?How long had I been in this fog?How much had changed?_I ran to my mirror and looked at my face. Touching my eyelids,my cheeks,my lips...Everything was the the hands that had comitted such crimes..

I ran a hand through my hair as a method to relax,but it did not work. I realized then that my hair was so greasy,and embarassingly enough;I could not remember when the last time was that I had actually had a shower.I pulled my shirt off as if in a rush,because I was.I did not know then what I would do,but I remember that I wanted my hair _had_ to be just had to,that was all that dirty everything was...But hair contains so much oil,that's why it was the dirtiest..

_"I love your 's so 're beautiful.",Josh had said the first time that we'd made love._

_"Holly,you are without a doubt the most beautiful blonde I've ever slept with..The only one I actually ever cared about.",Drake had commented._

It was so dirty,dirty,filthy...I lifted up the razor and began cutting,clawing,knawing at my hair.I watched it fall down into the drain,other strands sticking to my wet flesh. I looked down and noticed I had not taken off my underwear. Oh well,no time for thoughts are stupid when such an important thing is to be done!

I have hair on my arms,and when the razor grazed my arm the first time instead of getting the hair on my head,I hardly noticed. Nothing is real,you can only feel pain if you want to feel it-there's a trick to fooling your brain into not feeling it. It's a scientific fact,I'm not making it it.

I don't know what happened,but suddenly it wasn't enough to cut my hair,I had to get my arm hair,my pubic hair...I was being so sloppy by this point that I had so many cuts and knicks all over my body. I was having some kind of depression fueled panic attack and I couldn't keep my hands from why would I?I couldn't feel it anyway..And there's only a problem if you feel the pain..

The water became very warm suddenly,and my vision was becoming so screwed up;the water had turned red!I thought I was seeing hot,red water coming out of the faucet..Then I realized the water was coming from everywhere on my body..Everything hurt,why had I done all that?I was becoming so weak,my knees buckled and I fell down in the shower on my stomach.. Something was wrong,I needed help.I knew it,but I didn't want is something very serene about dying a slow death;if I do say so myself.

It's one of those things that I'm not telling you to do by any means at all;if I could I would put a sticker on this story saying DO NOT TRY AT I am not a manufacturer of any kind,and these are just words,just a story. But I am saying that if you ever find yourself dying a sort of slow death,do notice how the feeling is remarkably similar to that of taking sleeping pills..So sleepy I was...I closed my eyes and woke up in another one was too bright and it hurt very much.

"Will she make it?Of course she 's a young and otherwise healthy woman..There's no need to think that she won' not worry about your wife,.If you would only let me do my job."

It was a foreign voice saying these words. A stiff,unloving voice,I had gone to hell.I guess adultery really is a sin.

"Then why isn't she waking up?Why did she do all of this,doctor?!My wife is not crazy!"

Why would the fates kill Josh and bring him to hell?He had done nothing wrong,he could do no wrong..Why,he was even sticking up for me in this perfect black pit of hell. Why couldn't I stick up for myself?I opened my eyes and went to speak,but I found no words,my throat felt as if someone had taken sand paper and rubbed it repeatedly on my vocal chords.

"Holly!"

I smiled mildly,weakly.

"Holly, gave us quite a scare there..You almost weren't found in were almost gone...Oh my gosh,I haven't even introduced myself..I'm Doctor Leaman,I am a psychiatrist here at UCLA Medical were brought in yesterday midday by you tell me why?"

"No."

"Surely you know what happened,have some recollection?",I did not like this man. He wanted answers and I had none,but he looked at me expectantly.

"I was in the shower.I fell I hit my head?" Yes,it was head did hurt. I must've hit it when I fell. I remembered falling,crawling,then...Nothing.

"Yes,as a matter of fact you did. But it's actually what you did before you hit your head that is a cause for concern. You fell because you had significant blood loss and losing that amount of blood will kill you..There is no question then,that these wounds were self-inflicted?"_I nodded point arguing,even though HE was wrong.I wasn't trying to kill myself. I wasn't some kind of psycho. I was shaving._

"You will be staying here for some time,to make sure that for whatever reasons you inflicted these wounds on yourself that you better learn how to cope with 're dehydrated because of the blood 've given you a transfusion;but I imagine your throat is very dry after going through such radical change..I'll have the nurse send in some water with ice chips.I'll leave you two alone for a bit,and then Josh will have to leave."

_Why?_The question showed the first signs of life that I had possessed in quite some time,I imagine.

"It is important for you to rest in such a you become annoyed." The doctor smiled before walking out the door. I followed him with my eyes, looked at the door and listened to the lock snap in place from the other side. I guessed I really was crazy if I was locked in..I wondered then if Josh knew some kind of knock so they would let him he wouldn't have to stay in with Crazy.

"Drake called me at work..Told me it was bad...He was so torn up Holly..I feel so bad that he had to find you like that..But even more,that you did that in the first place...Why?Are you unhappy?With me?",Josh looked at me with his pleading eyes and in that moment I remembered it all. I closed my eyes in a knowing way as though I was a soothsayer and was about to relay a very important message to a King or a Queen.

"All I knew when I was doing these."_I raised my arms,and sure enough there the ugly white gauze was along with needles in my arm._"Was that I wanted no hair..Head hair wasn't enough..I don't know,Josh.I can't give you answers,I can't make things up and say that I was happy.I don't remember alot of things..I don't know what day it is,I don't know who I am..I have these basic memories,but they have no feeling behind them."I throat felt like a Sahara drought times a million.

"I'm not going to press you for answers..But I'm pretty sure the doctors don't understand why a drop dead gorgeous blonde model would try and kill herself..And quite honestly,neither do I..I thought things were going great..Gahh.I work too 's why.I knew it.I-"

"Don't do not blame has nothing to do with your work. I have no reason for doing this,so how could it be you?If anything it was ,I have something to tell you...I haven't wanted to tell you this,but I think that it is time to finally tell you th-"**Knock,Knock.**

"Can I come in?I bring water." A nurse. Of course,just when I was finally going to tell him everything. Tell him everything that made me want to do this to myself,why I was being studied like a rat in a cage.

"Yes,please."Josh's eyes were troubled,like he was unsure of something,whatever it was he did not speak of it while the nurse was in the room.

"The doctor said no more visitors is time to go .Nichols needs her rest.",the nurse smiled at me kindly. I had to give her credit for that,I mean I probably looked like a freaking razors their whole body?

"I love you so much,Holly Nichols.I always have and I forever will." Josh bent down and kissed me on the lips;briefly but firm. Cold. I felt no electricity as when Drake touched me. Did he feel something? Is that why he was so endeared to me? It couldn't be because I was so perfect,I mean look at me..

"I love you too,Josh."_Just not in the way you love me..I haven't for some time._

The nurse escorted Josh out of the room and soon all I heard was the clicking of her heels as they walked down the hall-then I heard nothing. The utter silence of the place really frightened me;I mean I'm a city girl,I need my sound.I found that I was very tired,and sleep did come,but only after waiting an entire century or two for it to ask me to come..

But only after I heard my beloved arguing with someone.

"I'm the one that found her!I need to see that she's alright.." It was Drake. And how my heart skipped so many beats when it thought of seeing him. How much it hurt to think that he was the one to find me..What would I have done,were I in the situation he was in?Well,I'd probably do what I did..

"Yes,I know sir.I've been well I'm under strict orders from the doctor that she is to have no more visitors today,only one a day-and her husband takes first priority you realize."

"Of course." I could practically see the sneer on his face. I smiled in my REM state of mind,and then I fell asleep.

This time when I awoke it was not Josh that was there,or the doctor or nurse.

Drake was smiling down on me,but there was a certain sadness to his eyes that I knew I was the definte cause of. I had made my angel sad..And how he did look like an angel,sitting so pefectly on the edge of my bed, his right hand linked with my fingers,his left hand absently resting on the bed.

I opened my mouth to speak,to appologize,but Drake pressed his mouth against mine,and not finding any reason to reject this I went along with it.I loved him.I knew I loved him when I went to bed at night,when I woke up,when I was with Josh,when I wasn't,all the time,but mostly when he touched sat there for some time;two lovers kissing,nothing wrong with that. He took the right hand;the one that was joined with mine and smoothed some of my hair out of my face. He lay his head on top of mine and kissed it. In silence we sat;we had no need for words,that's how it is when you find your true love you know. You needn't speak-everything is just spelled out right in front of you,even if you don't understand it,it can be hieroglyphics,but the key is to solve it.

"I was so scared,Holl.I thought you were dead..My first thought was that someone had broken in and raped you,then knifed you...But when I got closer,I saw a blood trail after...There was so much blood..I would've given some of mine,but we're not the same ..And then,on top of it all the jackasses here wouldn't let me see you.I thought I was going to die...I really think I would've blown my brains out if you didn't make it..I can not live in a world without you, even if for obvious reasons I can't claim you as a wife, I need you to live. I need you to be happy." It sounded like he was weeping,and to be honest,I wasn't too far from it myself.

"It sounds like a goodbye."My voice was thick with sorrow when I spoke,and when he didn't immediately reply my heart beat frantically. Panic sets in,and its a shock to a long absent system of emotions.

"I wonder if a goodbye would be the right thing..What would the right thing be,Holly?We both are under alot of stress,and it only gets worse the more this goes on.." Drake sighed,he sounded tired.

"Don't do this..Don't say goodbye to me. Don't try and convince me,convince yourself that this is what is right.I FUCKING LOVE YOU!I will die without you,I need you like I needed that blood.I need you like a soul needs a body.I need you,do not leave 't leave me in my darkest hour..I don't know what I will do without you..If you don't love me,if you don't want me,I-"

"I do want could I not but be completely in love with you?But I don't think its healthy for you,for us to be like this..You're married to my brother,and we both love him. On some really fucked up level,I guess we both have our ways. You tried killing yourself as a result,and I can't have this..I can't have the woman I love killing herself because of me..I can't have it..I can't stand for it..So I've come to the decision that we need to end if its the worst thing that ever happens in the world;I'll know that you're alive and happy."

"There is no happiness without you, have it completely wrong.I'm stressed **because** I am married to and I are obviously not lovers..I love you,I want to spend the rest of my life with you..NOT 't do this."_But one look at his face told me he already had._"So is that it,then?You leave me?You can't stand a crazy bitch that is in love with you?Why do you do this to me?To punish me or yourself?You love me,I know you do..You just told me..So it makes no sense.." Drake stood up and gently unlinked our hands.I felt no heat,my sunshine was going to warm up another planet,another universe.

"I told you why...I have to do you have to know that I love you,that I always will. No matter what,and that I do this so you'll be happy." Drake tried a smile on,but it didn't reach his eyes. He was still sad;and if this truly was going to be the last time I saw him,I didn't want to remember it like this..I'd rather remember his warm chocolate brown eyes melting on his face as his head was tilted back in laughter..

"You're leaving me for me?I can't do this..Drake,no."I began weeping heavilly by this point,uncontrollable sobs,and I did not care if I looked like a crazy psycopath in the psyche ward..I was dying from the inside chest was on fire,and that fire's name was love. Love for Drake was killing for Josh tried to kill me before,but it would ultimately be me who killed me;I decided. If Drake won't have me even though he loves me,I won't have me either.

"I have to,Holly." He bent down to kiss my cheek,and I don't know if that was intended torture,or what,but I broke into more crying at the scent of his breath. He abruptly turned to leave,and I snapped. _Rip it!_ I dug at the bandages,clawed at old wounds,they hurt;yes,but I did not care.I bled. Drake stared at me in awe as I derailed right in front of him. I don't know who was more shocked;Drake or I. I surprised myself even further by ripping the needles that were giving me the nutrients that I so needed out of my arm in one fluid movement. My face was contorted in pain; physical-that was nothing.

"DON'T!!" Drake ran to my aid,but I just stood there,seeing his face only seconds ago in my face was twisted in pain and silent rage._I really could do nothing right.._"Nurse!" A nurse ran into the room;was startled by the blood and called for more assistance. I watched on in silence as Drake cried,openly upset. I had done this to him,but he thinks he is the cause of it. Could he not see that I was the one that should be sorry?I should worry for him,why was I doing this?

The hospital staff strapped me to a handy dandy gurney and off I was, my sunshine left behind, and I- like Antarctica was left in the cold,I doubted I would ever feel warmth again.


End file.
